The D Word

It's the four-letter word every actor fears being called above all else. It has its sexist undertones but is often used to describe men, too. I don't say it. I don't even know what it means or how it started. OK, I know how it started (it's derived from Latin), but I don't know why & how such a vile, hurtful insult became so commonplace in the community theater world.

I'm talking, of course, about the word "Diva."

In professional entertainment, a Diva is someone who is unreasonably difficult to work with. Usually money and fame are not enough for this type of person, and so they come at everyone from a position of power so they can feel superior to everyone else. 

In community theater, fame and money are virtually non-existent, but the power dynamics are the same as in the rest of show business: the director runs the show, and the actors are his/her unpaid employees. Every actor wants to use their creative skills to make their community more culturally sophisticated, but most have their own selfish reasons for doing theater, too, and this selfishness often leads to a power struggle between actor and director. 

It starts at auditions: the director sees a certain actor in a specific role, but that actor sees themself in a different role (usually a bigger one). The actor says they would rather not be in the show if they can't have the part they want, and the director (often openly) judges the actor for what they perceive as arrogance. Both sides believe they are being reasonable while the other is playing a game of chicken. The director knows that if every actor who wanted a lead role came in saying they'd only accept the lead, there would be no show. The actor wants the director to know their time is valuable so they are not taken advantage of and their time isn't wasted.

If you're me, you're faced with 2 choices: (a) take the role you don't want, but go through the whole show feeling like you're doing a favor to the director and the community, feeling uninterested, appearing arrogant, and resenting the person who got the role you wanted, who feels uncomfortable with said resentment and belittles you to keep you in your place or (b) go on with your life, keep your evenings free, spend your weekends with friends and family, but know that somewhere, at a Mel's in Midtown, a BJ's in Roseville, or an Applebee's in Yolo County, your perceived arrogance and/or lack of ability is the topic of conversation among a table full of actors…and they are almost surely calling you the "D" word.

It isn't fair. You aren't arrogant. You know your limitations. You just don't want to feel stuck in a show where you aren't enjoying yourself. So you stick around to try to control the narrative. After all, they can't drag your good name through the mud if you're with them at every rehearsal and every cast outing to defend yourself.

Fear of being called a "Diva" is often the biggest piece of leverage a director has over an actor.

Then, of course, there are the actors who don't live in this constant fear. These actors audition for shows, put down the one role they'll accept, and then either: (a) get cast and have a great experience or (b) get rejected, get trash-talked for their arrogance, but honestly do not care. These actors usually get what they want: not just the roles they want, but the respect and dignity, too. Directors are careful not to waste these actors' time and to give them positive reinforcement instead of just chiding them for the mistakes they've made. Jealous cast mates will resent the special treatment these actors receive and will use the D word as a result, and behind their backs, even the directors will use similar rhetoric. You listen and worry that one day, if you step out of line, you will be spoken of the same way.

What makes certain actors immune to the things that cripple the rest of us? Are they just that much better at what they do? Is talent a force field that deflects BS and makes you stop caring what the haters think?

I don't know…because I'm not one of those people.

Insecure people keep score. An insecure actor sees every "bad role" as "paying their dues so one day I can get my big break." They can't keep up with the heavyweights, so instead they learn how to play politics. They keep a mental inventory of every role they felt obligated to accept (or say they'd accept), and at every audition, they feel like it's their turn. So when an outsider comes in and gets a lead role, what does the insecure, politically motivated actor say?

"DIVA!"

If they're loyal to a specific theater, they'll feel personally disrespected when you don't "pay your dues" at said theater. You probably don't know them, but chances are they still know all about you. They know all the roles you've accepted throughout the community. If you were in the chorus of one theater's show, they expect you to be in the chorus of theirtheater's show, too. By saying you'll take any role at theater A but will only accept a lead role at theater B, you reinforce their feelings of inferiority, and what does the insecure theater loyalist say about actors who would dare make them feel inferior?

"DIVA!"

I've been doing theater for 5 1/2 years. I've been in 14 shows. I've worked with several hundred actors and actresses. In that whole time, out of all those actors, I've met 2 that were truly unreasonable and needlessly difficult to work with. (No names in this blog, but if you were in the same shows, you know who they were.) Those 2 deserved to be called the D word. All the rest were just actors who had the nerve to ensure that, if they decided to undertake an unpaid, time-consuming, physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding responsibility like being in a play, it would be an enjoyable experience for them.

Male Guilt (Why I'm NOT an MRA)

I'm not Tiresias; the only things I know about being a woman are the things women have told me.

And the main thing I've been told is: when you're a woman, you feel it all the time. You wake up knowing you're a woman. You look in the mirror and see a woman. When you get honked at & catcalled every day on your way to work, you are reminded that you are a woman. When you arrive at work and realize you forgot to brush your hair or put on make-up, you feel the reactions throughout the day, and you are reminded that you are a woman. When you have to find a man to walk you to your car at night because you're alone, you are reminded that you are a woman.

I, on the other hand, just wake up. I look in the mirror and see...a face. When I walk to my car to go to work, the only calls I get from car windows will be, "Nice pants!" if I happen to be wearing my red corduroys. Those calls don't remind me of my gender; they remind me that my colorful clothes bring joy into the lives of strangers. If I get to work and haven't shaved, nobody will question it. The same is true if my hair is unkempt or shoes unshined. My appearance says nothing about my ability to do my job, and everyone knows it. They look at me the same way whether my face is shaven or not.

Then, at night, a woman will ask if I can walk her to her car, and that's when I'm finally reminded that I am a man...because that's the only time in my entire day that I've been forced to see gender inequality.

At the same time, though, I also wake up feeling a burden: the burden of guilt. I especially feel it when I wake up next to a woman who is smarter and better-looking than I am, but when I leave for work with a face full of black sandpaper and hairs sticking in every direction, she is still in front of a mirror, applying make-up and devoting extra attention to her hair in order to be "presentable" at her job. Then, when she gets to her job, she has to work harder than I do to make the same amount of money (or less, according to statistics). When I go for my jog around the block at 9 PM in our poorly-lit neighborhood, she will sometimes express concern that a person might attack me & steal my iPod, and I'm reminded of how different our experiences are being outside at night in a bad neighborhood. The fact that, for me, the worst thing that could happen is my iPod getting stolen says a lot about the male experience vs. the female. As I'm going for my run, I remember this, and even if it's not something I've caused, I still feel guilty that I benefit from it every day, often times without even realizing it.

An MRA (Men's Rights Activist) would never feel guilty about any of this. An MRA is someone who wakes up constantly feeling resentful of the fact he's a man...as thoughthat's the thing holding him back in life. The reason for his resentment can vary: sometimes he's angry at Feminism for challenging his sense of entitlement; other times he's angry at something about himself (he's short, he has a high voice, he's too artistic and not good at any sports, etc.) and he constantly remembers how, if he were a woman, his height & vocal pitch would be considered "normal," and his lack of athleticism wouldn't get him socially ostracized. He never stops to consider how a tall or deep-voiced woman might face many of the same problems he does. When his sexual orientation is questioned (and attacked) because he prefers theater, dance, and painting over basketball & baseball, he fails to see that women who play those sports deal with the exact same thing in reverse. He only sees the hard time he is having. He feels that if he were a woman with the same physical attributes and cultural interests that make him so insecure, he would no longer have those problems, and that's all he cares about.

I've definitely had my ignorant moments, but that's not me, and that's never been me.

We talk a lot in this country about White Guilt. It's real, and I'm glad it exists, even it's started to become a punching bag for the far right. Race affects many aspects of American life, and if a little bit of guilt motivates white people to initiate change, I don't think that's a bad thing. Nor should it be a bad thing if men support gender equality out of guilt. Weshould feel guilty.

I have a degree in Classical Literature, and one of the most common themes in Classical Literature is the scapegoating of women for all the problems in the world. What if, however, all those stories originated not from men who maliciously wanted to oppress women, but from men who saw the pain of childbirth and felt compelled to explain the biological injustice of it as a way of coping with their own male guilt? 

So I'm not an MRA. An MRA would never say, do, or think any of the things that I described above. I started this blog to make it clear what I am, and to show the world I was determined to change, but the more I wrote, the clearer it came to me that I never was the person I thought I was. It doesn't mean I'm perfect or that I shouldn't seek to improve, but it does mean I'm part of the solution, not part of the problem, and that's a huge relief.